My friend Landon has been in a relationship for five years now. He mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship four years ago, but he won’t break up with his girlfriend. He would prefer that she end it, for total fear of being seen as the “bad guy.” Now, usually my advice would be: “Grow a pair of stones and do the right, honorable and manly thing.” But, after much consideration, I think it would just be easier to give him (and other guys) some tips on getting your woman to do a man’s job. Landon, this post is for you!
Be Honest – Every relationship is built on lies. When you start seeing a woman, you attempt to present her with the best version of yourself. Of course, there is no best version of you. You’re terrible. So what you present to your date is someone who is not you at all. And she does the same to you. Eventually – usually after a few years of marriage – you decide that it’s probably safe to finally be yourself. This always leads to divorce. Those who stay married are the people who are able to keep the lie up for an entire lifetime.
Therefore, the easiest way to get a woman to end things is usually to just be yourself. I know a guy who aspires to one day own a home with a long hallway that he can decorate to look like the Death Star trench that Luke Skywalker flies through in Star Wars. That’s the kind of debilitating honesty that brings even the steadiest romances to a screeching halt. So, what about you? What’s wrong with you? Figure out and embrace that and you’ll be on your way to lasting lovely loneliness.
Occasionally, honesty doesn’t work. For some women – though she’s horrified that a grown man still wears footy pajamas and takes his vitamins in gummy form – the challenge of changing a broken, disgusting man into a half-way functioning member of society (or “woman”) is the greatest thrill. If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, stop being yourself immediately. There is only one way to get this kind of woman to break up with you:
Become the man that she claims she wants you to be.
Be Sensitive – Women say that they want a man who is in touch with his emotions. What women don’t realize is that most men are in touch with their emotions. And those emotions are anger and hunger. What women really want is a man who gets sad, because women are often sad and misery loves company. You’ll need to cry in front of your woman. The first time you do, her attraction towards you will actually increase. But be diligent; after fifty cries in twenty days, she’ll be begging you to go. I realize that sadness is a difficult emotion for many men to produce. To aid you in tear production, go into your garage and try pulling nose hairs out with a pair of pliers or stabbing your thigh with a Philips head screwdriver.
If taking a hammer to your junk isn’t your style, try this:
Be Romantic – Women love to watch romantic comedies and then complain that your relationship is nothing like the one in the movie. However, if you take these movies and remove the good looking actors and the quirky soundtracks; what you’re left with is a combination of creepy stalker and borderline felony behavior. So, if that’s what she says she wants, give it to her. Cut off locks of her hair while she sleeps, press them into a copy of Atlas Shrugged where you have underlined the most misanthropic passages. Or, wear a chain around your neck that has a vial containing her toenail clippings. You could also acknowledge every milestone, no matter how small. Give her roses one year after the first time you ever split dessert. Rent a limousine on the three month anniversary of that time you both wore sweaters that were sort of the same shade. Buy her a scented candle to commemorate the two weeks since she told you the story about how her beloved childhood cat “Snickers McFlurry” died of feline leukemia. You relationship will be deader than that cat before you know it.
Be Communicative – Landon’s problem is that he has chosen to pull away from his girlfriend in the hopes that she’ll “take the hint.” This obviously isn’t working for him. Landon needs to “push in” instead. Women think they want a man to communicate. So communicate your ass off, fella. Call her thirty times a day just to tell her you’re thinking of her. Visit her at her “girls night out” to tell her (and her friends) that you have a tummy ache. Show up at her work while she’s giving an important presentation to ask her “should I get this mole looked at?” When you’re together, tell her every thought that you’re thinking as you’re thinking it. If you’re not thinking anything, think up some thoughts to say that you are thinking. Try to dominate the conversation by speaking unceasingly; train yourself to breathe less, if necessary. Start accusing her of not communicating and complain that she never shares what she’s thinking or feeling. I guarantee what she’ll be thinking is this: “How do I get out of this suffocating death trap of a relationship?”
There you have it, guys. With careful adherence to these steps, she’ll be sitting you down to have “the talk” in no time.