For the Guyfolk: How To Get a Girl To Break Up With You

My friend Landon has been in a relationship for five years now.  He mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship four years ago, but he won’t break up with his girlfriend.  He would prefer that she end it, for total fear of being seen as the “bad guy.”  Now, usually my advice would be: “Grow a pair of stones and do the right, honorable and manly thing.”  But, after much consideration, I think it would just be easier to give him (and other guys) some tips on getting your woman to do a man’s job.  Landon, this post is for you!

Be Honest – Every relationship is built on lies.  When you start seeing a woman, you attempt to present her with the best version of yourself.  Of course, there is no best version of you.  You’re terrible.  So what you present to your date is someone who is not you at all.  And she does the same to you.  Eventually – usually after a few years of marriage – you decide that it’s probably safe to finally be yourself.  This always leads to divorce.  Those who stay married are the people who are able to keep the lie up for an entire lifetime.

Therefore, the easiest way to get a woman to end things is usually to just be yourself.  I know a guy who aspires to one day own a home with a long hallway that he can decorate to look like the Death Star trench that Luke Skywalker flies through in Star Wars.  That’s the kind of debilitating honesty that brings even the steadiest romances to a screeching halt.  So, what about you?  What’s wrong with you?  Figure out and embrace that and you’ll be on your way to lasting lovely loneliness.

Occasionally, honesty doesn’t work.  For some women – though she’s horrified that a grown man still wears footy pajamas and takes his vitamins in gummy form – the challenge of changing a broken, disgusting man into a half-way functioning member of society (or “woman”) is the greatest thrill.  If you find yourself in this kind of relationship, stop being yourself immediately.  There is only one way to get this kind of woman to break up with you: 

Become the man that she claims she wants you to be.

Be Sensitive – Women say that they want a man who is in touch with his emotions.  What women don’t realize is that most men are in touch with their emotions.  And those emotions are anger and hunger.  What women really want is a man who gets sad, because women are often sad and misery loves company.  You’ll need to cry in front of your woman.  The first time you do, her attraction towards you will actually increase.  But be diligent; after fifty cries in twenty days, she’ll be begging you to go.  I realize that sadness is a difficult emotion for many men to produce.  To aid you in tear production, go into your garage and try pulling nose hairs out with a pair of pliers or stabbing your thigh with a Philips head screwdriver. 

If taking a hammer to your junk isn’t your style, try this:

Be Romantic – Women love to watch romantic comedies and then complain that your relationship is nothing like the one in the movie.  However, if you take these movies and remove the good looking actors and the quirky soundtracks; what you’re left with is a combination of creepy stalker and borderline felony behavior.  So, if that’s what she says she wants, give it to her.  Cut off locks of her hair while she sleeps, press them into a copy of Atlas Shrugged where you have underlined the most misanthropic passages.  Or, wear a chain around your neck that has a vial containing her toenail clippings.  You could also acknowledge every milestone, no matter how small.  Give her roses one year after the first time you ever split dessert.  Rent a limousine on the three month anniversary of that time you both wore sweaters that were sort of the same shade.  Buy her a scented candle to commemorate the two weeks since she told you the story about how her beloved childhood cat “Snickers McFlurry” died of feline leukemia.  You relationship will be deader than that cat before you know it. 

Be Communicative – Landon’s problem is that he has chosen to pull away from his girlfriend in the hopes that she’ll “take the hint.”  This obviously isn’t working for him.  Landon needs to “push in” instead.  Women think they want a man to communicate.  So communicate your ass off, fella.  Call her thirty times a day just to tell her you’re thinking of her.  Visit her at her “girls night out” to tell her (and her friends) that you have a tummy ache.  Show up at her work while she’s giving an important presentation to ask her “should I get this mole looked at?”  When you’re together, tell her every thought that you’re thinking as you’re thinking it.  If you’re not thinking anything, think up some thoughts to say that you are thinking.  Try to dominate the conversation by speaking unceasingly; train yourself to breathe less, if necessary.  Start accusing her of not communicating and complain that she never shares what she’s thinking or feeling.  I guarantee what she’ll be thinking is this:  “How do I get out of this suffocating death trap of a relationship?”

There you have it, guys.  With careful adherence to these steps, she’ll be sitting you down to have “the talk” in no time.

Self-Employment in The New Economy

As many of you know, I have long been a proponent of the entrepreneurial spirit.  I say “If you have to work, why not work for yourself?”  You get to set your own hours, you get to (hopefully) work at something that you love to do, and you don’t have to speak into a phone with a fake raspy voice when you want to take time off.

Last week at the gym, a middle-aged man came up to me and asked, “John, with the current tumultuous state of the economy, how can you still advocate that people leave their jobs and start their own businesses?”

My response: “What’s your name?”

Him:  “Gary.”

Me:  “Gary, could you get out of my shower stall?  Or at least, hand me my loofah?”

Gary: “Avoiding the issue.  Typical.  You self-proclaimed experts are all the same.”

Me:  “Fine.  Our current economic situation doesn’t change the fact that people can be successful starting their own businesses; it merely changes the kinds of businesses that people should be starting.”

Him: “OK then, what are the best start-up businesses today?”

Here is the answer I provided while Gary shampooed my hair.

Helping Industries.  In the last fifty years or so, America has shifted from goods-industry-focused to service-industry-focused.  Why?  Basically, Americans are lazy and don’t want to do anything themselves.  They want you to do it for them; and they’re willing to pay you to do it, regardless of whether or not they have to go into debt to pay for it.  Obvious career options for the self-employed are jobs like  housekeeper, nanny or landscaper.  There’s nothing wrong with these jobs. . . if you don’t mind a little bit of hard and thankless work.  And let’s face it, if you didn’t mind hard and thankless work, you’d probably just stay in the job that you’re in currently.  Let’s think outside the box:

Lifecoach – Unlike psychiatry or psychology, you don’t need a degree to be a lifecoach.  Any idiot can be one, provided that he can find someone who’s a bigger idiot and is willing to pay the first idiot (“you”) for his insights.  What you need to get started:  An arrogant sense of your own importance, a general disdain for the majority of humanity, and some vehicle by which you spread your insight and advice – such as a blog.

Psychic – What Lifecoaches are to idiots, Psychics are to crazies.  Here, your “wisdom” does not come from you but from some supposed spirit or force that only you can see and hear, who sees fit to tell you intimate details about other people’s futures but won’t even give you a hint as to next week’s lotto numbers.  Unlike lifecoaches, psychics don’t have to stand by the things they’ve said:  when clients return angry after implementing your terrible advice, you can turn around and blame them for misinterpreting the spirit’s direction.  What you need to get started:  A deck of Tarot cards, a poster board sign with “$20” and the silhouette of a hand on it, and a Theater minor from a now-defunct community college.

Sales.  The career potential is almost limitless for an individual with a strong sales background.  Myriad companies like Avon and Pampered Chef are structured around the “independent contractor” who sells their wares.  Here, you have the opportunity to work for yourself and at the same time have an established inventory and name recognition.  But perhaps you don’t want to sell someone else’s stuff.  Here are a few options for you:

Create a pyramid scheme – Here you use your salesmanship to sell people on the idea of selling salesmanship to other people who then sell salesmanship to others.  With a pyramid scheme, there is a product but the product is irrelevant.  It could be water filters or magazine subscriptions or plastic bracelets that you purchase at the dollar store and tell people they have “balancing energies.”  The real money is made from salespeople recruiting more salespeople.  What you need to get started:  A useless product, a conference room at the airport Holiday Inn, and a fuzzy understanding of the legality of business practices.

Start a cult – A cult is a pyramid scheme without the pretense of selling a product.  You, as cult leader, are the product.  You will need to adopt the persona of a salvific figure – either God incarnate, or God’s supreme messenger, or God’s accountant.  You’ll need to convince crazy idiots (“cridiots”) of your ascendancy and persuade them to give you all of their money for little to nothing of value in return – in other words, you need about six months of sales experience.  What you need to get started (in addition to sales experience):  A compound, a tambourine, and a beard or the ability to grow a beard.

In the interest of brevity, I have provided just a few of the possible career options for the novice entrepreneur (“nontrepreneur”).  For a more exhaustive list along with tips and insights to help you along the way, order my booklet, The Career Autonomy Success Handbook.  Just send a check for $19.95 (payable to “CASH”) to:  John Tells You How to Live, 3008 Riverside Drive, Suite A, Burbank, CA  91505.  Don’t be a cridiot; do it today!

More Electronic Letters from the Virtual Mailbag

It’s that time again, folks.  Time for me to waste a few seconds of my precious time addressing your trivial concerns.

Electronic Letter #1

Dear John,

Social media is becoming such a staple of just about every culture bringing the whole world together 24-7. However, I can’t help but feel alone when I spend hours online making status updates and responding to status updates and righting messages and not ever hear anything back from people, nothing except a couple of “likes” usually.  What can I do to get people to comment on my stuff, and sign up for my twitter feed?

Thanks

Bud Abbington, (Location not given)

P.S. Love the blog.

 

Dear Bud,

That was a really long-winded question, so I didn’t read it all.  But I think I get the gist.  If you use the same endless verbiage in your online communication, you should consider the distinct possibility that you’ve literally bored to death most of your readers with your status updates.  Those you’ve managed not to kill have probably (like me) considered taking their own lives a less painful alternative than attempting to digest your endless prattle.  Our forefathers fought and died to protect your right to say whatever you want to say, Bud; but it’s okay to shut up once in awhile too.

Maybe you should stop spending hours online altogether.  You could always choose to worry less about what a bunch of anonymous techie losers think of you and go out and find some real people to bore with your endless profundities.  Go outside. Once your eyes adjust to the light, you’ll discover there’s a great big world out there to “like,” “friend” and sometimes even “poke.”  Remember:  The internet is the opiate of the masses, Facebook is the devil’s mistress and Twitter is the purview of social pariah.

Good luck,

John

P.S.  You can now follow me on Twitter: @johntellsyou

Electronic Letter #2

Dear John,

My husband and I are both 29 years.  We have been married for four years.  My biological clock is starting to tick; but he doesn’t want to have kids until we are older and more financially stable.  When is the best time to start a family?

-Sandra G., Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Sandra,

In the morning.

 

Electronic Letter #3

Hey John!

Can you tell me how I respond when my boss wants to be my friend?

-Hoyt R., Studio City, CA

Dear Hoyt,

While it’s always a good idea to get along with your boss; I usually caution against getting too chummy. You want to be friendly without becoming friends. Befriending your boss is a minefield fraught with potential dangers. You risk resentment and alienation from other coworkers, increased scrutiny from higher ups, and the possibility that your new “friend” might ask you to compromise your ethical standards in order to protect him or her.  Further, your employment status could be jeopardized if the relationship were to go south.  These are just some of the reasons I usually advise “Just Say No” to befriending the boss.

That’s what I usually advise.

But in your case, Hoyt, I’ll make an exception.  With a name like “Hoyt” I think it’s safe to assume that you have very few friends.  And by the poor manner in which you formatted your letter (i.e. using “Hey” as a salutation) and phrased your question, it’s obvious that you put forth very little effort in life – including the cultivation of the very few friendships you have managed to establish.  Further, you live in Los Angeles which means you’re a phony and probably attract other phonies.  Lastly, you disguise the fact that you live in Los Angeles by listing your neighborhood “Studio City” as your city.  This indicates that you’re pretentious.  By my count, Hoyt; you’ve got four strikes against you and no balls.

There’s no question that you should take your boss up on the offer of friendship.  There’s no question that you should cling to that friendship tightly, like the cold grip of death.  The only question that’s left is:  Why in the hell would your boss want to be friends with a loser like you?  (I’m stumped.)

Have questions that you’d like me to answer?  Send them to johntellsyouhowtolive@gmail.com. Be sure to include your name and city.

Electronic Letters from the Virtual Mailbag

I get electronic mail (or “email”) from my readers all of the time asking for my advice to particular problems that plague them.  With the vast majority of this digital correspondence (or “dispondence”) I have the good sense to hit the ‘delete’ button before I read it.  On rare occasions, I actually read the emails you send me.  On even rarer occasions, I take time out of my busy life to shed some light on your miserable existence by answering your questions.  Here’s proof:

 

Electronic Letter #1

Dear John,

I work 60 hours a week at a high-pressure job in the corporate world. When I’m not at work, I try to be an attentive husband and a loving father to our two young children. My doctor tells me that if I don’t start managing my stress better, I’m headed for an early grave. Do you have any advice on simple ways to relax with my limited free time?

Thanks,

Robert H., New York, NY

Dear Robert,

I don’t think you really give two craps about relaxing. I think you just wrote this electronic letter to brag.

No one likes a show off, Robert. “Look at me:  I have a loving wife and two beautiful children.  I have a high-pressure (translation: high-paying) job in the corporate (translation: high-prestige) world.  I can afford to go see a doctor.”

Perhaps you’re stressed because you’re obsessed with looking good and rubbing your amazing life in other people’s faces. You want to relax? Start by giving the my-life-is-so-hard-wink-wink routine a rest. Next you could start doing your job better. The rest of the country seems to get all of it’s work done just fine in forty hours. Why is it taking you fifty percent longer than the rest of us, Robert? Next you need to assess your family life. Giving your all to two young children requires a lot of time and dedication.  To cut down on stress, consider focusing on giving only one of your children your love and attention.

And if none of that works, you could try tai chi or chai tea or something.

Electronic Letter #2

Dear John,

Why do I still eat out at fast food restaurants all the time even after I’ve seen Super Size Me and Food, Inc.?

Rutherford B., Baltimore, MD

Dear Rutherford,

Documentaries like Super Size Me and Food, Inc. have gone a long way to exposing the degree to which fast food is unhealthy for us and how unethically some of that food is produced.  Many have been inspired (or grossed out enough) by these movies to swear off fast food altogether and adopt a healthier lifestyle.  There is a term for people like you, who have been unable or unwilling to jump on the health bandwagon in spite of the influence of these films.  That term is ‘American hero.’

You are a hero, Rutherford.  You don’t blindly follow the trends.  You’re your own man.  You’re not going to jump onto some crunchy-granola-eating bandwagon, no matter how many years it may take off of your life.  You laugh in the face of the pressure that the media puts on you to conform.  You laugh at the pressure your heart puts on you when you walk up a flight of stairs – or at least you will laugh once you catch your breath.  So stand tall, my friend; knowing that you are an American hero.  And if you’re too out of shape to stand, then sit tall.

Electronic Letter #3

John,

Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting a divorce. I think I might throw myself out of a window.

Emma P., Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Emma,

The news of the Katy Perry/Russell Brand split has devastated us all. When these two got together I, like the rest of America, began to believe in love again. We thought that Russell’s and Katy’s love was a love that would last forever.  Sadly, it didn’t even last long enough for the entertainment news programs to come up with a convoluted amalgamation of their names – a la Brangelina.  (I was always campaigning for “Rusty.”)  I’ve had bowel movements that have lasted longer than their union.

It’s enough to make you want to kill yourself and take as many people as possible down with you before you go. But don’t lose heart, Emma! Call me a hopeless romantic but I still believe in love that stands the test of time. But love is not for the faint of hear.  It requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice. Not everyone will find love. And not everyone deserves to find it – for example, people who lack the common courtesy of adding “Dear” and “Sincerely” to their correspondence particularly when writing to someone who is clearly their mental and social superior.

I think the question that you’re really asking is “will I, Emma P. of Fort Wayne Indiana, ever find love that will last?”  The answer to that question is “probably not.” I mean, if Rusty couldn’t make it work, what chance do you have? On the plus side, though; there’s still a pretty good chance for me. So Emma, this might be a good time to lower your expectations and start living vicariously through me.

Do you have a question that you’d like me to answer? Send your questions to johntellsyouhowtolive@gmail.com.